Capitalism for dummies

Capitalism for dummies

Capitalism derives its roots from the Latin word "capital" meaning "head" and "ism" meaning "gooey, cheese like substance." It was created by a group of men calling themselves the "justification league." Capitalism has been misunderstood by the left and right of the political spectrum: Capitalism's ultimate purpose is to allow those born into luxury to justify to themselves that they deserve it, and to give those not born into luxury a life purpose to dismiss those creating wealth as 'oppressors'. It Can Also Mean The Study and Worship Of Capital Letters.

Capitalism is a system of economics that entails the rights of the elite to control the means of production and enslave the workers, with limited state control and judicially preserved property "rights." This system rewards those who create what the market is demanding, even if the market is demanding more videos of Tara Reid's deformed nipple slip or microwavable cheese products. You have to be a douchebag and a sellout willing to step on the meek to get anywhere.

One of the remarkable aspects of Capitalism is how a great diversity of businesses are started and the massive number of them that fail miserably, yet how many morons keep believing that they will be millionaires at any moment through infomercials or cleverly placed classified advertisements.

Capitalism is generally opposed by people who feel a moral opposition to having to work. Most of these traitors are hippie college students who fellate Noam Chomsky and think Che Guevara is the one cool guy from Rage Against the Machine. When mommy and daddy don't buy you a car, it is oppression upon the proletariat!

The pivotal text for understanding Capitalism is Adam Smith's "The Wealth of Nations", which outlined how capitalism would inevitably result in the rise of empires, the growth in free trade, and the mysterious career of Sarah Palin. In the book, Smith also outlines the hidden costs of tariffs and taxes that limit national growth and how this would inevitably lead to reality television.

Before Capitalism

Basicly a retarded and primitive society

Prior to the advent of Capitalism, several other economic systems had been employed by the many anthropologically stimulating civilizations of the ancient world. Such systems are easily distinguishable from capitalism despite the fact that they were also primarily concerned with the problem of capital.
The primary difference between Capitalism and other economic systems is that other systems revolve around the institution of slavery--the practice of forcing individuals to work under threat of physical harm, or even death. In a capitalist society, however, individuals work voluntarily in order to avoid termination. Or death by starvation.

Should an individual choose to work, he or she is sometimes rewarded with the means to feed, clothe, and/or shelter him or herself. Usually however, not. In exceptional circumstances, individuals may also be assigned a physician. In most circumstances however, they become the butt of jokes of middle-class teenagers, who have just finished reading Ayn Rand's "Fountainhead" and think its a documentary.

Practices of Capitalism

A day in the life of the average capitalist begins with being woken up by their butlers. Followed by eating a breakfast prepared by their personal chef. After this, the capitalist is driven to work by his valet, where he will sit at a desk while his secretary answers the phone calls of the foreman who oversees the hundreds of workers building the tower which will bear his name. The capitalist himself can't do these things because he's too busy bitching about how lazy people on welfare are.



Variations on Capitalism


Standard Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income while the cows can't afford health care.

African Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes them because they used to belong to white colonists. No one feeds them and they starve to death. Then you starve to death.

American Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull (for rodeo), and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead, you put the blame on socialism and you invade another country to search for more cows.

Cambodian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Cow Capitalism: Doesn't exist.

Feminist Capitalism: You have two cows. You teach them both to hate Bulls.

Iraqi Capitalism: You have two cows. You kill and gut them on suspicion they are carrying "weapons of milk destruction", but find none. You let Halliburton grind them up into hamburger and declare "Mission Accomplished".

Russian Capitalism: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have forty two cows. You count them again and learn you have twelve cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

Soviet Capitalism: You have two cows. Wait...did I say YOU have two cows? Haha, no. Comrade Stalin has two cows. Now off to the Gulag with you! (In Soviet Russia, cow have you!!!)

Alternatives to Capitalism

Communism, of course! Come comrades, for we must remove the shackles placed upon the working man by the bourgeois Republicans so that we may live in harmony in the glorious workers paradise!
The Capitalist system works wonderfully in theory but when you put it into practice it just doesn't seem to work.

It should be duly noted by all of humanity that Capitalism is ultimately an injustice. The same applies to any other ludicrous and, ultimately, oppressive socio-politico-economic structure of state society/civilization; including but not limited to- capitalism, socialism, Main Page - Nazism, fascism, capitalism, democracy/republicanism, feudalism, capitalism, aristocracy/monarchy, etc.

In short, there is no fundamentally viable alternative to capitalism within state-society, aside from communism, (Besides maybe whatever France has?) So start a tribe... you'll love it.
Or anarchists, who lead the path to wisdom. Abandon capitalism and you throw your chains from your shoulders. Onwards to a freedom so great that society can't help but collapse! Also, never trust anyone called an anarcho-capitalist. They are evil free-market goblins in disguise.