Коммциіузм ☭

Communism to start with has never existed, anywhere in the world. It is a mistake to call the USSR, its gulags, China, North Korea, Vietnam, hippie communes, kibbutzim, or Cuba communist, but that's what a lot of uninformed idiots do. You idiots!

Sadly, all currently existing communist organizations (which are not really communist organizations really, er...) must be feeling pretty pissed off that they are not protected from being destroyed by imperialist groups, many of which, like the United States, are totally stupid.

Communist philosophy can be traced back to the ancient writings of Proletariat (not to be confused with The proletariat, which also has connections with The Red Menace). Communism can also be traced to Georg Hegel who, while not being political, planted ideas of opposites fighting into Karl Marx's head. As a matter of fact, Hegel, who was Marx's teacher, implanted a twin-personality schizophrenic disorder into Marx's mind before exploding, while laughing at his latest feat, in a fatal blow of TNT stuck in his anus by his frustrated student Friedrich Nietzsche. This resulted into the end of Hegel's long line of philosophical insanity, and in poor Marx's mind to be split in a bloody and never-ending conflict between his "crappy bourgeois elitist" ego and his "romantic proletarian worker" other self, hence came his central theory of a "class struggle" governing the forces of History.


Because Communism rejects property ownership and all property is held in common, it is the mortal enemy of Jews. Also of note is the remarkable ability of communists to not only survive, but thrive, entirely on vodka and radiation.


History of Communism


Communism in its modern form appeared in the mid-1800s when a scholar named Karl Marx pulled a Cheeto out of his belly button and blamed the smell coming from his index finger on people more ambitious than him. This inspired Marx to write a series of great texts that changed the world. The first of these texts was the Communist Manifesto. The Communist Manifesto was written with the intention of destroying capitalism by inspiring middle-class white teens to dress funny and smoke marijuana during the best earning years of their lives. It also inspired the Broadway play Les Miserables, but nobody cares about Broadway plays. The second, and generally more important text, was Das Kapital. Das Kapital outlined Marx's view of how the smell from his crotch migrated to his beard and eventually drove off all but the most offensive members of his social circle. Marx theorized that the ruling bourgeoisie controlled society by getting off their asses and not bitching so much about fingers lost in machine lathes and shit like that.


Marx proposed that if everyone pretended to work and the government pretended to pay people, then pretty soon there would be nothing left to bitch about. Marx's dream was later picked up by the rock super group known as Lenin, Stalin and Trotsky (best known by the initials LS&T). Lenin decided to overthrow the government of a country of Orthodox hicks to implement Marx's dream of Communist bliss. However, the band broke over creative differences between Stalin and Trotsky. Stalin eventually went on to a successful solo career. Lenin died shortly after the break up. Trotsky was later shot in the head by a deranged groupie named John Hinkley who thought killing Trotsky would impress Jodi Foster. Many critics later complained that Stalin's work had little to do with Communism. After Stalin's death, one of LS&T's backup singers, Nikita Khrushchev inherited the LS&T back catalog and put it up for sale on iTunes. Nikita Khrushchev frequently called Stalin's solo work "crap, plain and fucking brain dead simple crap". Communism would be revived repeatedly over the next few generations, with different local flavors added. Mao added a kinky, bat shit crazy Chinese emperor hook to Communism. Che Guevara added Latin sex appeal. Castro added cigars. Mikhail Gorbachev added creepy birthmarks. Perhaps the greatest visible contribution was made by Pol Pot of Cambodia who built the world's largest pyramid of skulls in honor of workers' rights.

Nowadays Communists

Even though they were fucked in their ass during the cold war and North-Korea/Cuba both have horrible and cruel regimes, communists have still support from variety of groups like Hipsters (modern hippies), Socialists and Liberals. They also have political parties almost in every country where they spread the message that the upressed must become free, like you know the Soviet Union was one of the keyfigures when it came to Human Rights etc, they even had a secret service called the KGB that came to your door to ask you if everything was fine or if you had any problems. They KGB was even so good at their job, that no single person in the whole Soviet Union had ever complained about the Communist regime. Well beside Hungary but the writer of this article can't openly talk about that right now...


The Communists have lost most of their power now and still remain marginal/little in the political landscape.